So here's the thing...it is so fucking cool that when I finally just get out of my own damn way and I'm still and I listen intently to what it is I'm supposed to hear, it doesn't come softly. There is no slow build. Bam! Here's what you've been looking for and here's these really great resources so you don't forget. Aha moments! There have been recent events that I've been a part of or at least witness to, and things became quite clear. Things like remembering what's truly important. It's very basic. Just the way it should be.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
So, hello blogging world. This is my first attempt at blogging. I created this page with the hopes of creating a record for myself and therefore anyone else that might actually read this, of my journey, my life and how very unusual and normal it has been so far. So, here I am.
Hello folks! My name is Cass. I am a 32 year old something or other. The big push to create my own personal space in which to expel my inner thoughts and rants has indeed been quite an adventure. I have for the past few years been on a rather interesting but difficult journey into the world of gender exploration. You see, I was rather quite comfortable continuing the rest of my days living the way I had been since I was a young teenager. A big ol' homo! A lesbian. Truth be told, coming out a lesbian at such a young age was really rather uneventful, which I'm glad for. Upon "coming out", family was incredibly supportive and in no way surprised at my announcement.
So, since that time I've lived my life as anyone else. Met the greatest gal in the world, fell in love, and started a family. We have a four year old daughter that we adopted. We are also foster parents, and are in the process (fingers crossed) of hopefully adopting our second daughter. We are a unit, a family, living our lives and enjoying these young years with our girls. Here's the kicker! Only in the past few years and especially the past year, have I been consciously aware of how very unsure I am with my gender. I have completely exhausted myself. I have read, seen, heard everything and anything related to transgender folks in attempt to understand myself. I asked some deep questions? Why? Why do I feel this way? Am I transgendered? I must be because if you weren't, you wouldn't ask? What does it mean to be female? Male? What separates one from the other? The list goes on.
At any rate, this can be quite a strain on one's sense of self. It began to affect everything. I was so confused about myself, my body, having the wrong one? Besides myself, this dysphoria had a huge impact on my partner and therefore, us. How do you go from knowing someone so intimately for so long, and everything changes? Talk about pain.
They say things happen for a reason just the way there supposed to happen. I do believe that, but this one is quite a head scratcher! I mean, why? What is the lesson learned in feeling so awkward every moment of every day? I'm still not sure. But as the journey continued, as I became closer to making some pretty significant changes to my being, my body, something began to happen and is continuing to happen...
I am not transgendered! I am not a man, nor am I a woman. I am me. I am both he and she. I am neither boy nor girl. I am genderless. What? Sounds crazy huh? I have spent the past week or so trying to be completely honest with myself without thought to what anyone else might think. No influences. Just me. While I admit, it's a strange conclusion to settle into, it's the one that feels "right". I am tired from this soul searching and am going to pause there and write some more at another time in more detail. But, I will end with this...If someone wants to know what pronoun they should use when referring to me...whatever feels right to you. It's all perception anyway right?