Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Okay, a Slightly Less Brief Introduction

     So, hello blogging world. This is my first attempt at blogging. I created this page with the hopes of creating a record for myself and therefore anyone else that might actually read this, of my journey, my life and how very unusual and normal it has been so far. So, here I am.

     Hello folks! My name is Cass. I am a 32 year old something or other. The big push to create my own personal space in which to expel my inner thoughts and rants has indeed been quite an adventure. I have for the past few years been on a rather interesting but difficult journey into the world of gender exploration. You see, I was rather quite comfortable continuing the rest of my days living the way I had been since I was a young teenager. A big ol' homo! A lesbian. Truth be told, coming out a lesbian at such a young age was really rather uneventful, which I'm glad for. Upon "coming out", family was incredibly supportive and in no way surprised at my announcement.

     So, since that time I've lived my life as anyone else. Met the greatest gal in the world, fell in love, and started a family. We have a four year old daughter that we adopted. We are also foster parents, and are in the process (fingers crossed) of hopefully adopting our second daughter. We are a unit, a family, living our lives and enjoying these young years with our girls. Here's the kicker! Only in the past few years and especially the past year, have I been consciously aware of how very unsure I am with my gender. I have completely exhausted myself. I have read, seen, heard everything and anything related to transgender folks in attempt to understand myself. I asked some deep questions? Why? Why do I feel this way? Am I transgendered? I must be because if you weren't, you wouldn't ask? What does it mean to be female? Male? What separates one from the other? The list goes on.

     At any rate, this can be quite a strain on one's sense of self. It began to affect everything. I was so confused about myself, my body, having the wrong one? Besides myself, this dysphoria had a huge impact on my partner and therefore, us. How do you go from knowing someone so intimately for so long, and everything changes? Talk about pain.

     They say things happen for a reason just the way there supposed to happen. I do believe that, but this one is quite a head scratcher! I mean, why? What is the lesson learned in feeling so awkward every moment of every day? I'm still not sure. But as the journey continued, as I became closer to making some pretty significant changes to my being, my body, something began to happen and is continuing to happen...

     I am not transgendered! I am not a man, nor am I a woman. I am me. I am both he and she. I am neither boy nor girl. I am genderless. What? Sounds crazy huh? I have spent the past week or so trying to be completely honest with myself without thought to what anyone else might think. No influences. Just me. While I admit, it's a strange conclusion to settle into, it's the one that feels "right". I am tired from this soul searching and am going to pause there and write some more at another time in more detail. But, I will end with this...If someone wants to know what pronoun they should use when referring to me...whatever feels right to you. It's all perception anyway right?


  1. i always liked the you that you are :)

  2. I always believed that we are who we were intended to be. It's like many Gods/Goddesses being One God. Many names, One Great Spirit. Many facets to the same stone. If you were one way or the other, you'd probably be boring. That is one thing you were NEVER intended to be...boring..not our Cass! I understand the confusion of roles, however. We are plagued by this these days. I think we are better off just being what the universe intended us to be: ourselves. After all, our body is just a shell of our incredible spirit. Bless you, Cass. We love you! I am happy to see you blogging. Maybe I will keep up with my blog now....

  3. The body has parts those parts are labeled ...male, female young, old, pretty, ugly, skinny, fat, gay, straight, trans and it goes on and on an on an on. Who started all this anyway? Adam & Eve? Come on. I get so tired of what is supposed to be. We have been sold a bunch of BS since the dawn of time. Genderless, does not sound crazy to me. It sounds refreshing. Be true to you and the rest will follow. I so wish to rid my mind of its judgments of self and others. I have gotten better, that is for sure. I think you are beautiful and headed to a place where we all need to go. Free to be.
    I will call you Cass.
    Peace and love
    Debbie sode

  4. I wish I had a big pot, and I could put you all in said pot. Yes, that sounds weird, but I wish I could have each of you with me at all times because the world would be such a nicer place. And while you're all in the pot, you could meet each other. All incredible beautiful amazing people that I cherish so very much. Thanks for being wonderful and I love each of you so much!